Listen well: I've decided to apportion myself the lariats of experience. To myself alone. I've made contact with Jerzy Grotowski via a conversation I had with a cast member, backstage, of Tony Randall's National Actors Theater production of THE CRUCIBLE. In this, Martin Sheen looked more like Daniel Boone than Proctor. So it was said.

This is about where you lean forward in your chair in breathless anticipation because we're going to listen to Richard Feynman and Deepak Chopra debate the concept of synchronicity. We're going to listen to Richard Dawkins attempt to explain why he chooses Jerry Falwell and Osama Bin Laden as representatives of the religious thinker as opposed to, say, Kierkegaard or Buber. Speaking of this, how many Regina Olsens do you think reside in *your* community?

If you have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about, don't worry - neither do I.

True or false:

1. In AS I SAW IT by Dean Rusk, Rusk states that President Harry Truman referred to Mao Zedong as "Mousey Dung."

2. In POWER RULES by Leslie Gelb, Gelb states that all espionage and intelligence is massaged to present to the President what the President would like to hear, no matter whom the President happens to be at any given point in time.

3. Any blogger blogging about politics has about as much insight and expertise into politics as they do into the rotation cycles of the moons of Jupiter.

4. Sean Hannity's attempts to link Blago to Obama were so outlandish, so speculative,...I can't go on. My ass is red.

5. On page 514 of THE RISE AND FALL OF THE GREAT POWERS Paul Kennedy says the USA has entered the cyclical period of "Relative Decline."

6. Most men are driven insane by the vagina that they crave.

7. In ELIZABETH: THE STRUGGLE FOR THE THRONE, David Starkey claims to actually have done some original, never-before-seen scholarship about the Virgin Queen.

8. In DANGER AND SURVIVAL: CHOICES ABOUT THE BOMB IN THE FIRST FIFTY YEARS, McGeorge Bundy says FDR decided to go for nukes on October 9, 1941.

And so forth.

And you thought I was going to make a smartass remark about the glasses Deepak Chopra wears when he guests on "The O'Reilly Factor," didn't you?